The candle light...

Not a word told, not even a breath left...the only sound to be heard is the raindrop descending outside...
How long I stood here Iam not sure...what made me stand here, I will never want to remember...
In the darkness that crowded the room, I stood as if a shadow made at my windows...
Untouched by thoughts and dreams and with no touch of imagination...
I stand as me...just me...my own self...
The rain kept on pouring...first loving and then hurting...
I turned towards my room now engulfed in a sea of darkness and light...
Because a candle had been lit in the middle of the room....
When did it darken...? Who lit the candle...? I couldn’t remember....
The half-melted candle showed it must have been hours...
Hours that vanished, hours of no happenings, hours of loneliness and confusion...
I have been standing here unaware of the darkened room, lighted candle, paining legs and spilling tears...!
In the mild light, my eyes searched my room...for something...
I found my books scattered at the far corner untouched...my bed in the other corner with no traces of sleep...
I was still searching for something; I do not know what...
My long lost relationships...? My childhood...? My strengths...? My happiness or I do not know what...!
Nevertheless, I was searching....
The candle fluttered due to wind and caught my attention...
The wind had blown into the room causing the candle light to dance to its rhythm...
I watched with awe as the candle that lightened my room, which cleared my vision, which could withhold any pain...now struggling for its life, survival...
It regained itself after a few minutes and started to brighten again...
No fear of what the next wind would do to it...no traces of tiredness of its past struggle for existence...
It is living for the second...living its life...!
A life it could never get back after today...
I relaxed, remembered doing something...searching...
I turned again...wanting to search...but I found them in a sec...
My playful childhood... my relationships smiling at me from behind glass frames...my strength of learning from small things in life and my happiness of being myself...
Maybe I did never lose them...to be searched for...
They were deep inside me, searching for a way to expose them to me...to show that iam not left lonely...
I looked at the candle, now burning steadily...confidently...stunningly...
It is nearing its end...not knowing that it didn’t just lighten the room but brought to light the life someone was desperately in search of....


_Ishu...

The stolen footprints...

A lonely evening by the seashore...

Walking barefoot...I could feel the winds around, blowing my hair and caressing my face....

Sending waves of unknown and unfelt emotions throughout me...

And the sea far beyond...whispering silent words of recognition...

I walked along the shore...not knowing the destination and with no remembrances of the past...

I closed my eyes and enjoyed every step I took...taking in the moist air and pressing deep into the wet sand...

Water touched my feet, waking me from my dreams...from the thoughts that I could hardly remember...

I looked across...the place seemed different from here...birds flying in groups to their nest...

The sun fading and falling in love with the sea again...the sky turning grave at the thought of losing the sun again...

However, what would they see from there...? A distorted image of a lonely envious girl...!

Suddenly I stopped walking and looked back...I found my footprints, alone and longing...

My heart lightened...maybe I too had someone with me...something to look back and feel happy about...

Relieved...I started walking again...a few more steps and I looked back again...

But...! They were gone...my footprints...! Not even a trace of survival...!

Did they vanish..!? Have they flown away...! I walked again, turned and stood rooted to see what did really happen...

Then did I see it...them...! The waves with such benevolence dragging my footprints with them...!

But why...? Where do they take them...? Moreover, why mine...?

Maybe... they didn’t want their shores touched by a stranger...Or they did always steal things left to their nearness...!

On the other hand...maybe they pitied me...maybe they were moved by the way I look at them...thereby...

Matching mine with a lonely footprint elsewhere...!

­­

_Ishu...

The fallen love...

There had been times when I did look at you from a distance…struck by the passion that flows in you…
Willing and waiting to join you...to get swept by you…
Once I have fallen for you, I lose myself completely...
Pulled by your vigorous nature and moved by your gentle swift...
Taking every single step with you and never letting my stare out of your blue...moving wherever you want me to...
Wandering and wondering how beautiful life is with you...
You hold me, you crush me...and drag me all along the way...
But all I could think is “iam with you and iam for you...”
You take me through highs and lows in my life...
Never letting go of my hand...like if they were part of you...
Is it my love for you or my duty towards you...??
Is it that I have no choice or I never wanted any...??
I’ll never know...and never wanna know, as long as Iam with you...
But time has always been cruel...it sways me constantly without hope...
At times drowning me into you, where I stagnate completely...
Or shattering me to a corner where I did die at your emptiness...
Though I die at missing you...though I get dragged away...
I’ll always know that I’ll be born again every time to join you...to taste your love...
Iam waiting for next spring to see the world and the autumn that follows to fall into your hands......
-by a fallen and reborn leaf...





_Ishu...

Some thoughts for Someone...

Some…
Sometimes I would hate myself for being so much in love with you…
Some things I would hate for reminding me so much of you…
Some people I would hate for carrying your name…
But life is so cruel…that I had to face all these everyday…
And…keep on loving you soooooooo much….

_Ishu…

The Two Choices...

Im really getting bored of posting just poems here...so here's a change....let me tell you about "The two choices" in my life....

I always had two choices in my life....this or that,here or there,take or leave...!!it all started long back when i was happily sleeping in my mom's tummy...it happened a few days after i realised iam alive or existed.... I was inside something,floating...i could hear voices...!but see none...so i waited.Then oneday i heard a voice refering to me..."child,wake up..." I was so confused but glad that someone could talk to me...the voice said,"Iam God...Im the one who created you,destined your parents and family...." all i could say was,"Oh..." again the voice said,"Iam here to give you two choices...HEAVEN or EARTH??....the one you choose between the two will be your fate...What would you want my child...??"
I was so small,just a few days back i knew i existed...i dont know wts heaven and wts earth...! i asked,"Wts both??" God said,"Child...the place your now,is heaven....your inside your mother,she loves you and will take care of everything for you...and the outside is earth,where you do things on your own..." so...thats the difference i thought...i liked the place i was in...so i said,"Dear god..." wait wait....my parents say im a very stubborn child,hence i must have said,"Hey god,thx for the choices...il take HEAVEN...i love it here..." then god left saying, "So be it my child,you will be in heaven..."
So there i was,enjoying myself daily....sleeping and sleeping...rolling and rolling...i started hearing voices clearly...people around talking to my mom,telling to be safe....no idea for what...!!then i used to enjoy the songs my mom used to sing for me...complaints abt my dad...the name she's gonna call me...I also used to hear a voice of a small child. He everytime calls my mom as his mom!! and used to talk about something called"school" everyday....!asking when i will come out...!y the hell does he want me out..!Thus went days and months...but oneday something happened...my mom was'nt feeling well i suppose,she was crying and people around saying,"its abt time..." abt time for what..!!Y doesnt anyone explain me anything...suddenly i couldnt breathe...i stopped floating,i could feel my mom's pain....wt are they doing to her...!!?i was so scared and found myself moving...then everything went black...!boooch...!
When i opened my eyes again,i was somewhere else...!somewhere bright and largeeee!!terrified was I...!they have done something to my mom and separated me. from her..i was abt to cry,bt then..i heard her voice...my mummy's voice...!someone was carrying me,to a lady in a bed...i dint know what to do...i just kept staring,she was beautiful...she took me from that person and smiled at me...i dont know whether to smile back or wt..!"just keep staring",i told myself...then she said i was cute..." Am I...!",i thought...so cute means something good and...Heyyyy wait....i know this voice...this is my mummmmmy...!iiiiii!so this is my mom...! But wt am i doing outside her??!
Then it struck me....!its all god!!this is supposed to be EARTH...!Ohhh!why did he do this to me...!Iwas so angry...he has betrayed me...!i was bursting out in anger,sry...inside in anger.But then something happened and i liked it...my mom kissed me...she held my fingers and was looking into my eyes...i was staring into hers. Suddenly something like water came from her eyes...still smiling at me,she kissed me again saying something nice..."Hmmmm i love it outside",i thought...maybe i could have never got these if i had been hiding inside forever...!
People started coming to see me...mom was introducing me to everyone..all said,"ahhh"..."ohh"..."cute child"..."just like her mother" and etc..etc...then i saw my dad,his voice was different not so sweet like my mom...he was very happy to see me..called me sweet names..!wt should i do..!? "keep staring" i told myself...so did i. Time went by...then came a small boy,sort of a bag in his shoulders...he came running to my mom and asked abt me...Sooo ur that "school" story kid calling my mother as his...!!my mom introduced me to him as his "sister" me...!!his sis.!oh...and he as my "brother". The kid glanced at me and was smiling...asked when i could play with him and all stuff!! he again started his "school" thing...i kept staring at him as he jumped about saying things...."i sort of like him...",i thought...he was cute and resembled my mom in some way and my dad in the other...!and was always happy to see me...!thats wt i liked abt him...He keeps on talking to my mom abt this and that and my mom seems to enjoy everything....so do i...!
Hrs later i came to understand everthing..!this is my FAMILY....my dad, my mom,my brother and now me...!my brother had been like me before,enjoying inside and then god asusual had tricked him outside with two choices...!or is it only me with Two choices....!!?then i found many small one's like me...we all looked small but we differed..!They did something called "yelling"...terribly...! I was the only one not doing that stuff but i was the only one to be happy abt that..!my parents were worried that i dint "yell"...! "Oh come on...should'nt you be happy abt that...!!",thought I...
Then came God 'again' and my Second TWO CHOICES in life....wait to hear...

Alone...

Being alone....


Being alone is always a tremor…a fear…a weakness for some….
But for me, it had always been a part of life...and at times life itself...…
Alone in the darkness… left on my own search of light…
Alone in passion…. falling and failing in love…
Alone in dreams…chasing empty clouds…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

Time has swept me around…driving me to my way home….
Which I never willed nor wanted…or never thought of…
The darkness around hasn’t set and dawn wasn’t met…
But here I go determined to fight my way through anything and everything…
To fill the emptiness in my heart…or at least to hide it…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

Sitting inside the bus...beside a vacant seat...
Watching the farms and lands pass by calmly…
Silent rustling of trees in the middle of the night…
Sky turning shades of black and blue…a sight rare to view…
But something was amiss...confused…improper…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

I have no idea what happened in the past years…
Whether I would have someone back home to welcome me with a warm hug…
Something nice said about missing me all this time…
Someone to feed my hungry stomach and hear my stories…
Or at least someone to fill the emptiness in my heart…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

What I have left behind is a mystery…unbearable…unsolved…
Am I here to replay the quest and get back my past…
Or just to witness the happenings as I always do…
I have no idea of who would be there to receive me…!!
But the fear of staring at a deserted road left alone…terrified me…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

Being alone did teach me millions…
In which thousands were moments of pain…
A few hundreds were moments of confusion…
And a few shillings were moments of fear…
But happiness…??
I wonder what I have done to myself....

This travel would be the fastest moment in my life…
Because every other had been a still image…expressing a single view …
I never opted for a caring heart…or a caressing word…
Never a close company…close enough to steal my heart…
Close enough to leave me be in this world…as now…alone…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

If money could solve my problems…I wouldn’t be here…
If love could mend my heart...I wouldn’t be sitting alone…
If my hunt to the solution had been reached…I wouldn’t search for my destination…
If my wounds have been healed…I wouldn’t run for a hide out…
If I did have a shoulder to rest…I wouldn’t let tears wet my cheeks…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

A sudden halt brought me back to my senses…
The bus had stopped and was ready to push me out into the world of ‘loneliness’…
As expected I stood back to view the wet and deserted road leading home…
I had to walk in spite of the muddy waters and sunken roads…
In spite of darkness and gloomy atmosphere into which I should set into…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

I started along the road with a light luggage but a heavy heart….
I know that I have no reason to be like this…
No reason to return to a place which had deserted me years back…
No reason to face the people who turned me out…
But I couldn’t resist…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

Looking around I wanted see a few familiar sights and buildings…
My mind was rushing up to fill me with a few related thoughts…
My eyes wandering to see a few missing pieces of my past…
But everything I see seems so new…
Dragging me to wonder whether I had been here before…!!
I wonder what I have done to myself....

With a few more cuts and turns I would get to my house…
Till that I wanted myself to be occupied…distracted perhaps…
I started to hum a known verse, in the middle of which I struck up…
My thoughts rushing years back…I couldn’t sing either….
What has happened to me…!?Could loneliness drive a person to madness…?
I wonder what I have done to myself....

Forgetting the curse and continuing the verse, I tried to gather the wonderful moments in my life…
Wonderful people who made them…wonderful things that bordered those moments…
The sudden disappearance of light from my life…making me search for illusions in dark…
And the disastrous end it has got me into…
Tears flushed…words chocked…vision blurred…
I wonder what I have done to myself.....

I started to walk fast…before my first tear drop could sneak out…
But then…someone touched me…
The softest and wettest touch…the one I had felt before…the one I always wanted…
It was a rain drop that had flown down to touch my cheeks…
Before I could look up it started heavily and I started to run towards my last destination…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

Opening the door, I found the house, my house to be empty…and I wet…
I looked around…and took the stairs towards my room…
My room…the only thing I ever remembered and ever loved…
I walked in…though it was accustomed to dust and cobweb…I know it was welcoming…
I recollected memories of my childhood…my toys…my petty scribbling…now just illusions….
I wonder what I have done to myself.....

By the time, rain had stopped and everything seemed immersed in silence…
I kept tracing my room…which had no idea about me other than my childhood…
Not even the pain…hurt…tears…loneliness of its childhood lodger….
I moved towards the balcony and stood up facing my room…
Allowing the cool breeze to caress me from behind and send me into my memories…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

Suddenly something struck me…maybe I remembered something…
Yes…!!My first kiss had been here…from a beautiful woman…maybe my mother…
A huge man carrying me in his arms and cradling me…maybe my dad…
A kid sitting beside my bed and reading stories to me… my brother….
Tears stunk in my eyes…maybe I had never been alone…maybe I had never been loved this much by anyone else….
I wonder what I have done to myself...!!

I will never know what the next day would hold…and what the past had held…
The happiest thing is that I had been loved tremendously by my family…huge enough to cherish…
Even though I stand alone now…those memories are large enough to treasure…
I closed my eyes...and before the first tear could drop down, rain drops nourished my face…
Maybe iam still not standing alone…I’ve someone whose touch I’ve always longed for…
And now I know what to do with myself…

_Ishu…