Alone...

Being alone....


Being alone is always a tremor…a fear…a weakness for some….
But for me, it had always been a part of life...and at times life itself...…
Alone in the darkness… left on my own search of light…
Alone in passion…. falling and failing in love…
Alone in dreams…chasing empty clouds…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

Time has swept me around…driving me to my way home….
Which I never willed nor wanted…or never thought of…
The darkness around hasn’t set and dawn wasn’t met…
But here I go determined to fight my way through anything and everything…
To fill the emptiness in my heart…or at least to hide it…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

Sitting inside the bus...beside a vacant seat...
Watching the farms and lands pass by calmly…
Silent rustling of trees in the middle of the night…
Sky turning shades of black and blue…a sight rare to view…
But something was amiss...confused…improper…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

I have no idea what happened in the past years…
Whether I would have someone back home to welcome me with a warm hug…
Something nice said about missing me all this time…
Someone to feed my hungry stomach and hear my stories…
Or at least someone to fill the emptiness in my heart…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

What I have left behind is a mystery…unbearable…unsolved…
Am I here to replay the quest and get back my past…
Or just to witness the happenings as I always do…
I have no idea of who would be there to receive me…!!
But the fear of staring at a deserted road left alone…terrified me…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

Being alone did teach me millions…
In which thousands were moments of pain…
A few hundreds were moments of confusion…
And a few shillings were moments of fear…
But happiness…??
I wonder what I have done to myself....

This travel would be the fastest moment in my life…
Because every other had been a still image…expressing a single view …
I never opted for a caring heart…or a caressing word…
Never a close company…close enough to steal my heart…
Close enough to leave me be in this world…as now…alone…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

If money could solve my problems…I wouldn’t be here…
If love could mend my heart...I wouldn’t be sitting alone…
If my hunt to the solution had been reached…I wouldn’t search for my destination…
If my wounds have been healed…I wouldn’t run for a hide out…
If I did have a shoulder to rest…I wouldn’t let tears wet my cheeks…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

A sudden halt brought me back to my senses…
The bus had stopped and was ready to push me out into the world of ‘loneliness’…
As expected I stood back to view the wet and deserted road leading home…
I had to walk in spite of the muddy waters and sunken roads…
In spite of darkness and gloomy atmosphere into which I should set into…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

I started along the road with a light luggage but a heavy heart….
I know that I have no reason to be like this…
No reason to return to a place which had deserted me years back…
No reason to face the people who turned me out…
But I couldn’t resist…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

Looking around I wanted see a few familiar sights and buildings…
My mind was rushing up to fill me with a few related thoughts…
My eyes wandering to see a few missing pieces of my past…
But everything I see seems so new…
Dragging me to wonder whether I had been here before…!!
I wonder what I have done to myself....

With a few more cuts and turns I would get to my house…
Till that I wanted myself to be occupied…distracted perhaps…
I started to hum a known verse, in the middle of which I struck up…
My thoughts rushing years back…I couldn’t sing either….
What has happened to me…!?Could loneliness drive a person to madness…?
I wonder what I have done to myself....

Forgetting the curse and continuing the verse, I tried to gather the wonderful moments in my life…
Wonderful people who made them…wonderful things that bordered those moments…
The sudden disappearance of light from my life…making me search for illusions in dark…
And the disastrous end it has got me into…
Tears flushed…words chocked…vision blurred…
I wonder what I have done to myself.....

I started to walk fast…before my first tear drop could sneak out…
But then…someone touched me…
The softest and wettest touch…the one I had felt before…the one I always wanted…
It was a rain drop that had flown down to touch my cheeks…
Before I could look up it started heavily and I started to run towards my last destination…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

Opening the door, I found the house, my house to be empty…and I wet…
I looked around…and took the stairs towards my room…
My room…the only thing I ever remembered and ever loved…
I walked in…though it was accustomed to dust and cobweb…I know it was welcoming…
I recollected memories of my childhood…my toys…my petty scribbling…now just illusions….
I wonder what I have done to myself.....

By the time, rain had stopped and everything seemed immersed in silence…
I kept tracing my room…which had no idea about me other than my childhood…
Not even the pain…hurt…tears…loneliness of its childhood lodger….
I moved towards the balcony and stood up facing my room…
Allowing the cool breeze to caress me from behind and send me into my memories…
I wonder what I have done to myself....

Suddenly something struck me…maybe I remembered something…
Yes…!!My first kiss had been here…from a beautiful woman…maybe my mother…
A huge man carrying me in his arms and cradling me…maybe my dad…
A kid sitting beside my bed and reading stories to me… my brother….
Tears stunk in my eyes…maybe I had never been alone…maybe I had never been loved this much by anyone else….
I wonder what I have done to myself...!!

I will never know what the next day would hold…and what the past had held…
The happiest thing is that I had been loved tremendously by my family…huge enough to cherish…
Even though I stand alone now…those memories are large enough to treasure…
I closed my eyes...and before the first tear could drop down, rain drops nourished my face…
Maybe iam still not standing alone…I’ve someone whose touch I’ve always longed for…
And now I know what to do with myself…

_Ishu…

can u believe that a dream could do anything...!

A dream or nightmare…

You know….what I dream of, is something far fetched….
Something that can never be caught or sort…
Like a rain drop disappearing in the ocean….
Like the long lost traces of wind in the unknown sky….
Just remember…I keep trusting you….
Knowing it’s just a dream…

I know nothing about you…nothing of what you are and how you are…
Yet you keep haunting me every night….in my sleep…in my thoughts…
I keep clinging to you…the words you speak…the promises you make…
Like trust thrust on a comet of good wish…
Just remember…I keep trusting you….
Knowing it’s just a dream…

Life is short…but my dream seems so long…so alive…
Dream is something I could never resist…rather its me that it could never resist…
It is something I love…and in turn is loved by…
Its many things that I don’t get in life…but found on its own…
Just remember…I keep trusting you….
Knowing it’s just a dream…

Iam just a girl of teens…filled with wide hopes of life….
With no fear of the future and no care for the present…
Is it because of you…that I lost my hopes…?
Are you the reason Iam losing my life…?
Just remember…I keep trusting you….
Knowing it’s just a dream…

I fear you…the way you hold control of me…
The way you make me fall for you…a mere dream…
Beyond the truth of reality and illusion…
Beyond the concept of seeing and touching…
Just remember…I keep trusting you….
Knowing it’s just a dream…

What am I going to do with you…?
If a sleepless night would cure me…I would blink my eyes to death…
If a thoughtless mind could wash you away…I would take the risk…
But…you are more than that...more than what I could forbid…
Just remember…I keep trusting you….
Knowing it’s just a dream…

Am I the only one to feel you…in the billions who sleep all night…?
Am I the only one to get confused about you…??
Whether a nightmare or a dream…an angel or demon…??!
You are the one I could always cherish….but never hold…!
Just remember…I keep trusting you….
Knowing it’s just a dream…

_Ishu

This did really happen...

My first look...

Returning from a day's long work...my friend and I did find it irritating to wait at the cross over.....
I thought a great time is getting wasted...
For its making us all devasted...
Coz...the things around did not interest me...
The things within did not impress me...
For a reason...but...for no reason...
I let my eyes wander over my temporary neighbours...
A child after school with its dad...a pair with face so glad....a vendor with a heavy load looking so sad....
For a reason...but...for no reason...
And then...did I see him...
Looking at me with eyes so intense...and coming towards me...
Maybe...to speak with me... Or atleast to say an hello....
For a reason...but...for no reason....
Everyone did see him, coz he was the main attraction...
But...did everyone feel him...as i do...?
Even if they did...can he differentiate my feelings from them....?
Maybe am not so transparent...
For a reason...but...for no reason....

He was nearing me...looking at my eyes, as i stared at his...
But he did not attempt to speak...
He walked past me...without turning around....
It did not hurt me...but it did...
For a reason...but...for no reason...

I know he would never return...
And I would never see him again...
But the impression he made in me...is everlasting...
For reason....but...for no reason....

I could not call this love at first sight...
I could not call this a mere look....which had such an effect on me...!
It was more than a look or love...
For a reason...but...for no reason...

I like to know if I did impress him...like he did do to me....
I like to know if he did wish to see me again...as I wish to do unto him.....
For a reason ....but...for no reason...

My friend would laugh if I did tell her this....
She did not feel what I felt…and would never...
Because, many people don't fall in love with a train....as i did...
For a reason...but...for no reason....

_Ishu...

max...maxy...

Maaaaxy....

Now this is about a guy with no fear.Nothing can frighten him….no one can threaten him….they fear to go his side…!!Wait…don’t imagine any war hero or cinematic heroes…! This is about max @ maxy….my Labrador pup…exactly nothing can frighten him except a mobile ring tone:-)…he is very allergic to mobiles…!!He is 4yrs old now… we bought him at a place near my native…he was born with six others (sisters) and is the last sibling of his family…he was just a month old when he came along with his sis to us, but as pooja had a great conflict with lucky (Max’s sis), we had to give her away to one of my dad’s friends…. I always miss lucky coz she was very intelligent….but it is max who snatches the award when it comes to being “the sweetest”….I could say he is the happiest member of our family…!always and ever happy with his life,praise him...he is happy,scold him...he is happy..!!and he looks sooo cute and smart...He loves Poo like anything…if someone could see max,they would say he is rough.but a close examination could prove it wrong....!one great comic thing about max is that he doen't know to wag his tail...!!truely comic na...wait to know more...

Its poo again...

Sweet poo...

Poo loves groundnut…! And a thanks to groundnuts coz that’s how she gained knowledge…it all happens like this…since it is that pups need to be taught within the first six months and only those things will remain in their head all through their life, I was assigned the job to teach poo......!as my brother was at college, I was given the greatest responsibility of creating a dutiful citizen:-)...So every evening after my school gets over, I used to take her to my backyard where it is free of distractions and start my lessons. We usually don’t use belt for poo, so she used to dodge me and run away inside….after the cat and rat story, I finally got fed up and tied her up…it was terrible in the beginning since she was only looking at the groundnut in my hand…!!As my mom very strictly warned me not to beat her, I had the worst time with the naughtiest kid..!! After at least a month she learned up to shake hand, sit down, lie down, get the ball and catch the ball…!!Great work na..!the final day arrived when we are to show my parents what she has learnt..! It was the blast…you know what happened, when she was told to shake hand, the mud just sat still looking at my hand!!!!… (For her groundnut)…and she didn’t perform until she got her groundnut…!!What a sweetheart na…! :-)

One of my favourites....dedicated to someone....

The Skipped beat…

Love comes once in life….and stays for a lifetime….
The love in you….the love in me….or at least that was in us…
The love that has no right to be forgotten or set aside…
The love that had been an unbreakable vow…
But now…
Things are not the same….since we parted…

Once when the bond between us was strong enough…
I promised never to let go of your hands that held me…
Never to stay away from your looks that melted me…
Not to disturb your thoughts that ruled me…
But now…
Things are not the same…since we parted…

We had no idea about what happened between us…
We never sensed what made us go for each other…
We never sorted the puzzle of our love…
Because we always believed and trusted each other…
But now…
Things are not the same…since we parted…

The ecstasy of words that had flown between us…
The ones I have always believed…
The ones that made my heart skip a beat…
The ones in which I have felt you once and immense…
But now…
Things are not the same…since we parted…

The past memories may fill us with joy…
The lost promises may shrink us in tears…
None of us do will to neither recapture our lost possession nor take up a new venture…
Because none of us love to risk again in the name of ‘love’…
But now…
Things are not the same…since we parted…

Iam not willing to have you back…for myself…
Nor am I willing to lend you to anyone else…
I really don’t know what I want or wish…
I had to fear to want…from the day you left me…
But now...
Things are not the same…since we parted…

Have you ever thought of the last words we spoke..??
The last touch we hold at the squeeze of our hands at parting…??
The last painful glance at each other when our roads ended..??
The first drop of tear while turning away…???
But now…
Things are not the same…since we parted…

I still don’t understand why it happened between us…?!
I still don’t know how you did let it happen..?!
I still can’t believe that I did let you go…!!
I still could not figure the mystery behind the pain…
But now…
Things are not the same…since we parted…

Months have passed and years will pass…
Not willing to capture the beat that was skipped nor hold the hand that was missed…
I know you do wish the same and want the same…
Because even though things are not the same since we parted…
I still own your heart and you mine…till the last beat of it…

- ISHU

this is specially for my mom...

if it hadn't been you...

If it hadn't been you....
to lead me to take my first day at school....
If it hadn't been you....
to wish me first on all my birthday's...
If it hadn't been you....
to smile at me from the audience during my first speech...
If it hadn't been you....
to hug me close to cease my tears at my first failure...
If it hadn't been you....
to kiss me happily at the joy of my first success...
I wouldn't have been myself....
My sweet mom.....

_Ishu...

Check out my poem....

In search of you...

Running through the lushly grown jungle trees...
Exploring every bush and bark on my way....
Jumping across small streams and pools...
And casting no eye to the nature around...
Here i come...in search of you...

You were mine all these years...
You were to be mine all the years to come...
But you did leave me just like that...
Coz of a person whom you have not known before...
But...here i come...in search of you....

No idea how you are...
No idea where you are...
No idea whom you are with...
No idea what you are up to...
But...here i come...in search of you...

Getting you back is not my aim...
Leaving you behind is not my goal...
Seeing you suffer is not what i wish...
Punishing you for your work is all i seek...
But...here i come...in search of you...

Would you love to return with me...?
Would you love to stay and suffer...?
Would you love to forget me...?
Would you love to make your way...?
But...here i come...in search of you...

The love in you might have closed your eyes...
The love in you might have taken you from me...
The love in you might have led you to him...
The love in you might make you stay there forever...
But...here i come...in search of you....
my little heart......

_Ishu...