You...

I have always wondered what makes him so superior to you when it is you, who understands me the most...
I remember the times when I did want to cry, to drown myself in tears...you were always there to hold me...
Listening to every word I said...valuing every tear of mine as your own...
The moments when I wanted to break everything in the room, you were there...yet again...Telling me its ok...and that things will pass...
Reminding me the value of things, I would lose due to my anger....
All the while, I melt in love and dream about, would be of him but every time I get hurt coz of it, it is to you I turn...
You shouldn’t be there for me...but you are...To heal my heart...as my friend, comforter...
Making me realise my silly childhood fantasies of love...making the whole matured me...
Every night when I miss him...his nearness and voice...
It was you who accompanied me...you lay with me for hours letting me pour my depressions...
I slept many days in your arms knowing you never slept any of those nights...you could say iam selfish...but you don’t...
I keep asking myself...do I deserve you...?
I have shared everything with you...from morning walks to my last dreams...
Every tiny detail that I have not shared with my mom or gotten advice from dad...
All my likes and dislikes...my favourites and specials...my fears and strengths...
I never have expected a nod in approval from you...nor have you said a “no” for anything...
Because we both know, you adore everything I do...
I have known you from my childhood long before I did ever know his name...
You have known my feelings for him even before he could have realised...
Though it is to you I come every day to share my thoughts...it is him, who holds my heart...
This in no way makes you loved less...coz...
You mean more to me as I have been to you...and we have never hidden it no matter what....
Moreover, it is no secret that I love you...
My Dear Diary....

_Ishu...

Tomorrow...

We had a terrible fight but all I could remember is it has no reason...
It wasn’t your fault neither was mine...yet we fought unlike any other day...
None could question the love between us nor could we both doubt it...
Every time, a thought of tomorrow calms me down...
Therefore, we part, with you angry and me in tears...
“Yes...always a tomorrow” I thought...
All day I have been thinking of you...expecting you to turn up at my door...
Or to give me a call or at least a missed call to remind me that you care...you love..
However, you did not...
I kept running your angry face in my mind...confusing the reason for your anger and our fight...
I sensed you weren’t angry on me and it was something else...
Alternatively, was it my imagination...!
I felt sorry for letting out my words to counter yours...
I wish today could pass soon so that we could make peace tomorrow...
We always had a tomorrow...
By noon, I started planning things for us to do together...to shop, your favourite movie and dinner...
Feeling excited I started picking out dresses to wear, maybe your choice black would cool you out...
Dancing across the room and singing didn’t pull my spirit; I was desperate for tomorrow...
By eve, all I could do was staring at my mobile...you did not call or text me...weird...you were never like this...
Forgetting my ego and forgiving you, I called up only to end up in no answer...
Trying again and still the same...maybe I could wait until tomorrow...
Dinner never occurred to me when I realised you didn’t call back...
I remain curled up in the couch wondering about you...waiting for you...
Irritated I called up again, this time you did cut the call...not long after sending a message that you would call tomorrow and that you were angry still...
Relief flooded yet only tears did fall...I found myself crying, louder and louder...
My heart tore at missing you...loneliness crowded me...
After a long while, I stopped crying and went to my room to look at our snaps...gaining strength from them...
Once in my bed, I looked at the ceiling, my artificial stars and moon smiled at me...
Turning my head, I found the movie DVD “tomorrow never dies”
I tried to smile but failed miserably...a single day without you hurts like anything...
I kept promising never to fight with you again...
Tomorrow will be our day and I know you are waiting for the same...
A sob left me...why doesn’t tomorrow come soon...! that I could hold your hand again...
Yes tomorrow...
I felt myself drifting to sleep and it was dreamless...
The next thing I could see was you...standing before me...
You gave me flowers but I couldn’t hold nor smell them...
You cried loads for me to come back...but wasn’t able to...
You said words that I could hear but never reply...
Maybe if you did know there was never a tomorrow for us...for me...you would have made our yesterday worthy...!

_Ishu...

The Change...

Boredom and power cut drove me down the streets of my place one Sunday noon...
In my worn out faded jeans and black T, I walked the streets...
This is usually a busy street and the busiest part of the city due to various malls
However, today it seems deserted, nothing but a few tea stalls...
I dragged myself along kicking the empty cool drink can...thinking what I would have done if the generator had not failed...watching movie, baking cakes...
Having enjoyed life always, getting whatever and whenever I want makes my life far from bored...until today...
Thinking of last week when my parents did come down to see me, along with my cousins...it was much more than fun...all day shopping and stuff..
I never had a “no” from my parents and I never waited for a “yes”
So life was obviously fun...until today as I said, something was different, a feel of amiss...
I searched my pocket for my mobile but then I realised it was home...
I have forgotten it...god! But I found something else...a paper material...
I pulled out and found a 1000 rupees note.. How it got there, I could not remember...
That too in my faded jeans..! Maybe my mom kept it there or me...! I was always careless with money...! Therefore, I must be my fault...
However, I continued walking kicking the can further...a smile spread across my face...
Now I got something to spend...but what could I get? Looking around all the malls were closed...even café day...argh...!!
The petit teashops would never have change for 1000...maybe walking further, I could find few decent shops...!
Making up my mind I toddled forward...my mind kept thinking about what I could get...!!”Shopaholic” I muttered to myself...!
I walked and walked finally realising Iam far away from home...
This part of the city is new to me...several small teashops and a bakery...
On looking in, I found a well-stacked stall with cakes, breads and biscuits...
Far away from my mom’s view of hygiene, i made a face and walked out...
Just then a small boy in his rags dashed past me...he bought few loaves of bread with his money and started begging the shop owner to give extra...
I was surprised...who would beg to get another of that nasty stuff...
Before I could turn, the boy ran out with the same, so he was denied the extra stuff...
I sighed and started walking...turning the street I found the boy kneeling behind a broken cart...
Curiously, I headed towards him...i realised he wasn’t alone...he gave the bread to a weak looking woman, supposing his mother...
She had a baby in her arms...never in my life have I seen a baby as much close to a skeleton...
In addition to it, the family had a tiny puppy...they look as if they have starved for months...
The woman took herself one and gave rest of the so-called bread loaves to the boy...
My mind kept telling me to move away from this group and place that I started backing away...
To my utter shock, the boy gave half of his food to the puppy and patted him...
Even more, he ate with that same hand...ahh...i wanted to run away...!
What kind of people are these..!i started walking faster and towards a familiar street...
Once away from them I took a deep breath...iam fine I convinced myself...
I started walking again...hands in my pocket...I felt something inside me...my mind says keep going but I wanted to stop and do what? Think...!!!
Why am I bothered now...? I should have been happy to be away from the rags...but iam not...
I recalled their faces, the baby..i tried not to remember the boy feeding the pup even in his fainting state...and his mom smiling at his action..
What kind of mom would allow her child to be infected and allow the least bit of their food to feed a dog....!
I was confused...unable to conclude... Suddenly it dawned on me...
Maybe only a mom who knew the pain of starving...only she who wants to feed the petit life that depended on them knowing they would die without that would allow that...
I felt a strong feeling seep through me...this is a family....!
Once in my life did I let my heart rule my mind...i walked towards them...
They looked up strangely at my approach...
I took the money from my pocket and gave it to their mother...
She looked at me confused, realising the money she smiled at me faintly and then it widened...
I smiled at them...patted the puppy and turned away...
Tears gathered in my eyes...blocking my vision...still I walked without letting them fall...
I have walked several times on this road, carrying loads of bags, which I have shopped...
Now...I walk empty-handed nothing but tears to hold...
Yet I feel like the happiest person in the world...
I never looked back at them...yet I know... my life has changed forever...!


_Ishu...

Iam not Bothered...

Somewhere I couldn’t actually forget, in a crowded queue waiting for a movie ticket...
I bumped into you on my way out...our shoulders brushed and fingers touched...I guessed just a few seconds...
A few seconds that sent shocks through me...a few useless seconds of despair...
Before I could get out of awe and turn around, you were gone...
I did swoon at your touch...a mistaken touch that sent ripples through me...
However, you would never know...nor did u see me and eventually never sensed the chemistry...
Its useless to be thinking about you now...searching you in the vast crowd...
Not knowing your name or had seen your face...or having the guts to take chances...
Not knowing the meaning of our unexpected action, which had effect only on me...
A few seconds that had the ability to keep me awake all night...
You might have come with your girlfriend or your family...
Or there may be another girl in your life...
Iam not bothered...yeah...iam not...
Because...iam never gonna be in your life...even never gonna feel u again...
I know I could never hold your hand and walk down the beach..
Or wait sweet long hours till you get back from work...never...
Yet iam not bothered...
The thing I had with you..what should I call it...?a crush..?maybe...
They are everlasting and never demanding...
I don’t say you are my life and love...never my everything or world...
Nevertheless, you are something...a wonderful and unknown memory...
Oneday...i might fall in love with someone or give my hand in marriage...
That does not make me forget you...coz...you were my first crush...unknown but electrifying crush...
I did always remember the day we bumped into each other for years to come...
You not realising it and I dreaming over it...
You are something I did love to remember someday...while sipping my evening tea with an unknown smile in my lips...

_Ishu...

The Image...


The cold night did have some effect on me...making me pull my jacket around and rub my hands to feel the heat...
Though the road seemed familiar, being alone in a deserted road like this terrified me....
I walked crossing my hands, cursing the taxi that broke down and my mobile that has charged out and got switched off....
I remembered the charge being full until I felt the place...even while in the taxi...!! That was strange..! yet no time to investigate or brood over it...
Cool air brushed my face, the only exposed part sending Goosebumps all over...
The surrounding was spooky with huge black trees, invisible sounds and me trembling all alone...
An owl hooted somewhere...fluttered its wings and flew into the dark sky...
The road weighing me is covered with dry leaves...rustling...and few getting smashed under my feet...
The streetlights half hidden in the overgrown branches of trees flashed distorted light as the branches brushed across them...
Looking back at the darkened road, I appreciated myself for my guts...
I concentrated on something good like birthdays, surprises...but my mind kept reminding me of old scary stories...
Oh..!why now..!!to distract myself I looked up the sky, the moon might cool me...but alas..!!no moon...
It was black, pitch black to be precise...I thought not to look at the trees but I did...!!
Standing big and dark and shaking...they sure did draw my attention..
I could have admired them in daylight but now things are different..
I wished I could fly or click my finger and disappear! Just vanish with the wind than to stand here...
I kept on promising myself never again to walk alone here, to plug my mobile to charge and never ever to be late...
Suddenly there was movement on the other side of the road ,a bush moved lightly...
Something yellowish peeped from them...two yellowish things...eyes...!!!
I froze, I imagined someone or something ready to hunt, kill...eat maybe..!!!
But came a sound...”meow”...gosh a cat...!!!!
A black cat peeped from the bushes and suddenly from there it crossed the road...superstitious or hilarious...!
I watched as the cat lazily crossed the road and turning to watch me before disappearing again...!!
Should I cross or wait for someone to walk pass me and then move on...?!
Noway...i would stay all night..!hmmmm... I walked again...looking at the darkness...
I could see shapes...my imagination again..i tried to shape my fearing imagination..
First a cat with few circles, then a flower with a few more circles...I smiled to myself..
Again a few circles but this time it wasn’t my imagination coz the circles were big..!!!and kept on getting bigger...!!!
The circles now appeared white...the image grew big as if someone was approaching and it was...
I saw an enlarged image, was it a man or a woman...or a ghost...!!!?
The figure was approaching me slowly...with something like a stick in its hands..
Maybe a rod..!!!
I got terrified, wanted to run but found my legs rooted...
I wanted to scream for help but found myself tongue tied...
I looked around for help, but I was all alone, even the kitty has run away...!!!
By the time the image has gotten closer, close enough that I could see the long nails in its hand holding the rod...!!!
I was not sure of the image coz it had a hood exposing only the mouth...the image moved casually as if sensing my non-mobility...
Suddenly it opened its mouth and I could see two sharp teeth...teeth that were ready to bite...drink...taste..
I couldn’t hold longer , I took a long breadth and started to run...realizing my sudden flight, the image took a long leap and landed in front of me...
A loud scream tore from the bottom of my throat...
I opened my eyes and found myself in the backseat of the taxi...
So it was just a dream...whew..!!!i relaxed and even smiled...the driver as if reading my thoughts smiled at me from the rear view mirror..
I saw the time...it was 12.30...i looked out again at the darkness relieved that nothing did happen...
Suddenly the car stopped...the driver tried starting it several times but was unsuccessful...
He looked at me apologetically... hmmm..i knew I had to walk now...I shook my head at him, paid and got outta the car...
Once outside, I realized a familiarity..!!! Have I been here...? Only in your dreams answered my mind...fear seized me...!
I grabbed my bag, opened it and searched for something....
Terror struck when I found my mobile switched off...!

_Ishu...

The candle light...

Not a word told, not even a breath left...the only sound to be heard is the raindrop descending outside...
How long I stood here Iam not sure...what made me stand here, I will never want to remember...
In the darkness that crowded the room, I stood as if a shadow made at my windows...
Untouched by thoughts and dreams and with no touch of imagination...
I stand as me...just me...my own self...
The rain kept on pouring...first loving and then hurting...
I turned towards my room now engulfed in a sea of darkness and light...
Because a candle had been lit in the middle of the room....
When did it darken...? Who lit the candle...? I couldn’t remember....
The half-melted candle showed it must have been hours...
Hours that vanished, hours of no happenings, hours of loneliness and confusion...
I have been standing here unaware of the darkened room, lighted candle, paining legs and spilling tears...!
In the mild light, my eyes searched my room...for something...
I found my books scattered at the far corner untouched...my bed in the other corner with no traces of sleep...
I was still searching for something; I do not know what...
My long lost relationships...? My childhood...? My strengths...? My happiness or I do not know what...!
Nevertheless, I was searching....
The candle fluttered due to wind and caught my attention...
The wind had blown into the room causing the candle light to dance to its rhythm...
I watched with awe as the candle that lightened my room, which cleared my vision, which could withhold any pain...now struggling for its life, survival...
It regained itself after a few minutes and started to brighten again...
No fear of what the next wind would do to it...no traces of tiredness of its past struggle for existence...
It is living for the second...living its life...!
A life it could never get back after today...
I relaxed, remembered doing something...searching...
I turned again...wanting to search...but I found them in a sec...
My playful childhood... my relationships smiling at me from behind glass frames...my strength of learning from small things in life and my happiness of being myself...
Maybe I did never lose them...to be searched for...
They were deep inside me, searching for a way to expose them to me...to show that iam not left lonely...
I looked at the candle, now burning steadily...confidently...stunningly...
It is nearing its end...not knowing that it didn’t just lighten the room but brought to light the life someone was desperately in search of....


_Ishu...

The stolen footprints...

A lonely evening by the seashore...

Walking barefoot...I could feel the winds around, blowing my hair and caressing my face....

Sending waves of unknown and unfelt emotions throughout me...

And the sea far beyond...whispering silent words of recognition...

I walked along the shore...not knowing the destination and with no remembrances of the past...

I closed my eyes and enjoyed every step I took...taking in the moist air and pressing deep into the wet sand...

Water touched my feet, waking me from my dreams...from the thoughts that I could hardly remember...

I looked across...the place seemed different from here...birds flying in groups to their nest...

The sun fading and falling in love with the sea again...the sky turning grave at the thought of losing the sun again...

However, what would they see from there...? A distorted image of a lonely envious girl...!

Suddenly I stopped walking and looked back...I found my footprints, alone and longing...

My heart lightened...maybe I too had someone with me...something to look back and feel happy about...

Relieved...I started walking again...a few more steps and I looked back again...

But...! They were gone...my footprints...! Not even a trace of survival...!

Did they vanish..!? Have they flown away...! I walked again, turned and stood rooted to see what did really happen...

Then did I see it...them...! The waves with such benevolence dragging my footprints with them...!

But why...? Where do they take them...? Moreover, why mine...?

Maybe... they didn’t want their shores touched by a stranger...Or they did always steal things left to their nearness...!

On the other hand...maybe they pitied me...maybe they were moved by the way I look at them...thereby...

Matching mine with a lonely footprint elsewhere...!

­­

_Ishu...

The fallen love...

There had been times when I did look at you from a distance…struck by the passion that flows in you…
Willing and waiting to join you...to get swept by you…
Once I have fallen for you, I lose myself completely...
Pulled by your vigorous nature and moved by your gentle swift...
Taking every single step with you and never letting my stare out of your blue...moving wherever you want me to...
Wandering and wondering how beautiful life is with you...
You hold me, you crush me...and drag me all along the way...
But all I could think is “iam with you and iam for you...”
You take me through highs and lows in my life...
Never letting go of my hand...like if they were part of you...
Is it my love for you or my duty towards you...??
Is it that I have no choice or I never wanted any...??
I’ll never know...and never wanna know, as long as Iam with you...
But time has always been cruel...it sways me constantly without hope...
At times drowning me into you, where I stagnate completely...
Or shattering me to a corner where I did die at your emptiness...
Though I die at missing you...though I get dragged away...
I’ll always know that I’ll be born again every time to join you...to taste your love...
Iam waiting for next spring to see the world and the autumn that follows to fall into your hands......
-by a fallen and reborn leaf...





_Ishu...